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by Beth Houf
The school year came to an end with a screeching halt. I remember sitting in my office after the building cleared, dumbstruck and utterly exhausted. The year was over…one of those “once in a career” years, no doubt. This was a year that I felt inadequate more times than not in my role, although I was in no way a rookie. I spent the next month completely decompressing the effects. Our family took a vacation to a secluded beach. My time was spent most all day at the beach reading or relaxing with my family. One of our favorite things to do is find the most perfect seashells. On one walk, my niece and I spotted a real gem. She reached down and grabbed it quickly to realize that it was only half a shell. She said to me that it was the most beautifully broken shell she’d ever seen and we decided to keep it.This led to a deeper conversation about how overrated perfection is in life. We changed our focus at that moment and strived to find the most unique and memorable shells the beach offered.
This conversation has stuck with me since. You can take the beautifully broken pieces and put them together to create a masterpiece. You see I’ve bought into the belief of perfection is the only option. I looked at the year again through a different lens. Were there failures and broken pieces? Absolutely! Did we learn, grow and never stop working to make school amazing for both students and staff? Absolutely! Was I a stronger person, educator, and leader because of these experiences? Absolutely!
After I returned from our trip, I stopped by summer school to check on our students. I immediately was embraced by a young lady that had just finished 8th grade. It had been her first year in our district after bouncing from school to school. We exchanged the typical questions about summer and then I asked her some reflection questions about the last year. She told me something that made me stop in my tracks…
“Mrs. Houf, last year was the best year I’ve had at school..ever.”
What a difference in perspective this conversation had on me! I had been fixated on the fact that the year had challenged me beyond belief because of my perceived shortcomings. I had ruminated so much on the fact that I had not provided a stellar experience for our students and staff…that my imperfection got in the way with success.
I’m just now returning from a trip to Oregon speaking and visiting family. While setting up a breakout session in a quaint downtown bookstore, my PLN friend Majalise Tolan (@MajaliseTolan) recommended the book Brave, Not Perfect by Reshma Saujani. I immediately bought it and devoured it. (View her Ted Talk here) In this book, Saujani reveals her findings after hundreds of interviews with girls and women across the country. It’s that we, as women particularly, have been wired to strive for perfection or bust. “Failure isn’t just painful—it’s colossal, devastating, and to be avoided at all costs. So if we can’t rock it, we skip it.” I felt as if Saujani wrote this book personally for me. As I turned the pages, the words resonated so deeply over and over again.
“The drive to be perfect takes a serious toll on our well being, too, as we lose sleep ruminating over the slightest mistake or worrying that someone was offended by something we said or did.”
Yes! No wonder I was exhausted. So many nights I wasn’t sure if I even slept because my brain was still racing solving the problems of the day and anticipating what might come the next day. All those stumbling blocks through the last year…I completely viewed these as failures. I was blinded by the imperfection to the extent I didn’t see the success and growth. One particular quote that has stayed with me,
“It’s the messy, unfinished edges that make us interesting and our lives rich.” When we water down our natural self, we don’t live up to the potential that lies beneath the surface. We begin to lose the passion that makes us unique.
It’s not enough to merely realize that I had been striving for perfection and Saujani didn’t fall short in offering suggestions for bringing more braveness into my life. The last part of the book was filled with intentional strategies.
So what am I going to do now? Definitely getting comfortable with being brave!
“The more comfortable you get with doing, saying and being in your truth, the less you’ll get caught up in what others think of you.”
I’ve started by taking better care of me. I’ve intentionally scheduled time to do the things that bring me balance and peace. Working out, cooking at home, finding time to read and relax, and not feeling guilty for completely geeking out on my passions with school. I can’t serve others when I am a shell of myself. It is not selfish to self-care. I’m also going to “take time to show the mess behind the scenes” as Saujani shares. In the world of Photoshop and perfect social media posts, it’s important to show the perfectly imperfect work that is happening behind the scenes. When we share our struggles productively, we never know who we are inspiring to be brave. I also am going to work on “nixing my need to please.” Saujani states that it is perfectly okay if I’m not liked or understood by some; those just aren’t my people. There are plenty of others who do get me, and who are aligned with who I am and what I’m here to do. Shelley and I talk in Lead Like a PIRATE about the importance of analyzing the critics in our lives. I am very intentional about including constructive critics and people that think differently than me in my PLN. I do not want to exist in an echo chamber. However, there is not room at the table for those whose only purpose is to be a destructive critic.
“You need to be brave enough to trust yourself, knowing you’ll survive even if it fails.”
The last day on my trip to Oregon, I was again on the beach with one of my nieces and we were picking up shells. She said, in her all her five-year-old innocence, “Auntie Beth, let’s pick up so many pieces so we can make a beautiful creation.” She’s already living her bravery and I will continue to do the same. Life does not have to be perfect to be wonderful.
